Playing is better than not.

I haven't talked much about the actual experience of stepping onto the stage again...well, I did when I hit the grass during last summer's production of SHREW, but this one...indoors, in a community theatre. A new and interesting experience.

And before you start trying to....HistoriClemoize the term 'new and interesting', let me say that so far, it's been fun.

Again, for those of you who have been in the profession (and you know to whom I speak), it is immensely freeing during auditions and rehearsals when your behavior doesn't influence your next job, meal, or tank of gas out of town.

But I don't want to talk about the rehearsal period so much; not that it wasn't fun and all, but....

It's funny, but there is a special sort of agitation that comes with an opening night; it has always been, for me, a cross between Christmas morning, and being buried alive. There is joy at the idea of putting this thing in front of people to see if they respond (laugh, applaud, throw rocks and garbage); there is the feeling that it's time to put away the things of rehearsal, stop cooking and start eating. But on the flip side, all sorts of things go through your mind; "Where are my pants?" is usually the first thing. Followed by, "oh CRAP, I can't remember my first line!" and things of that nature.

It's a process that after many many repetitions becomes second nature: you enter the theatre, sign in, put your stuff down, check to make sure all costumes are there ("Ah, there are my pants."), go upstairs, walk the stage, listen to the silence for a second, go back, check the props, set the costumes for changes, take a deep breath, and go and find your make up.

There are trepidations: when you work professionally, you tend to trust instinctively; everybody has the same reasonable range of experiences, and have been hired to do a job, and are innately trustworthy to get the job done...and if they weren't, you'd know it in rehearsals, and either fire the poor wretch, or begin to build stabilizers in the event that said actor goes insane. In the community theatre, sometimes the basis of casting is because they can actually attend rehearsals. So, when the lights come down and the stage is peopled, you are never sure what you're gonna get...the rehearsal performance that was tuned over a matter of weeks, or a hellish nightmare brought on by the audience's reaction.

It is with great pleasure that I work with this particular group of people.

One definition of Amateur is somebody who does something for pleasure, rather than payment. There are a few people in this cast who have never stepped foot on a stage before, but thought this might be fun. There a few who have come back after a very long absence. And, there are a few who have been doing shows at this theatre for a long time. Each has brought unique perspective to the process, and reminded me a little of why we do this stupid s**t in the first place.

So, I've put on the makeup, run the first couple of pages of lines through my head just to make sure. For this particular production, I broke my own cardinal sin; I kept a script backstage. Some of the transitions come out of nowhere, and I would rather be prepared than look like a fool. I put on my costume, take a long swig of the Mountain Dew, and wait for the moment.

Standing behind a black curtain, I find that my legs hurt. I realize that the tension has all pooled in my legs, and I'm actually standing on my toes. I force my heels to the floor.

The cue comes.

Off I go.

During the first performance, I am more attuned to what the audience is doing; I'm keeping one ear to the ground. I have a pretty good idea of what's going to get a reaction from an audience, but they're weird sometimes.....so, you're taking that extra beat after what you THINK will occur, to allow it. There is nothing worse than stepping on the first couple of reactions...because they'll shut up. They will. The dialogue is very important to them, and not laughing is better than stepping on dialogue.

This is the best and the worst part of the first performance; but at the same time, it is so fulfilling. It's like you become one with the Universe; this small Universe of people and costumes and things to sit on. And it's exhausting and exhilarating, when the response comes when you think it will...and controlling the space, and hitting the right notes at the right time.....

And, it's exhausting.

But you really only have to be that tuned once. There's still connection, there's always that concentration and that listening and that watching...but once the map is drawn, and you know where the land mines are....you can drive a little more relaxed.

I'll tell you one thing that I don't like about the theatre.

It doesn't have a back door.

After all is over, I have to walk through the lobby to get to the street. And usually, there are still people in the lobby. I've never been one to actively seek praise, and am embarrassed by when it is thrust upon me; so, I put my head down, and leave as fast as I can....and if I am approached, I hope they don't see my ears turning red.

There are no review here, and that is fine with me; I have a couple of people I respect that see the show and offer critique, and it's been very positive.

And I get to do this for one more week. One more week of great audiences, one more week of exhausting scheduling, one more week to work the muscles that have been dormant for so long.

(Insert contented sigh here).