There's a madness that falls upon me at this time of the year.
Some call it the Autumn Blues, but it's not that, really. It's a melancholy, surely, but since I rival the Legendary Dane in the melancholy category, it goes a bit beyond, or not quite as far as that. A functional melancholy, if you please.
I'm not sure why; it could be that Autumn usually signals a change; when I was an actor of repute, Autumn signaled the end of one contract and the beginning of another; when I was an instructor of renown, it was the beginning of the new semester and the end of whatever playtime I was involved with. When I was single, it usually meant the end of whatever relationship I'd fallen into, and the prospect of many early darkening days with no one to talk to.
There is, of course, the belief that the natural light tends to disappear earlier that could be the cause.
Ah, who am I kidding? I am fond of the Autumn, melancholy and all. I like the colors of the changing leaves, the smell of the backyard burnings, the sound of the breeze through the harvested cornstalks, the taste of pumpkin seeds lightly salted...the feel of the cool air at the end of the day. It's like the last of the summer wine.....
The dreams come upon me a bit more savagely at this time of year, though. My psyche reminding me of the things unaccomplished; the goals not achieved; the parts of the soul traded out for some security; a general sense of un-done-ness.
And no star to steer by.
There is a special kind of remorse when you realize that you've given far more of yourself to your job than you wanted to, or should have. I've realized that I've become a trained monkey; that I do more than I have to, more than what's expected, in the hopes that the master will drop me a treat....and occasionally, they do, but I have no time to enjoy the treat, because I have this tin cup I have to bang, and an organ to grind.....
There comes a time when you realize that enough is, in fact, enough.
The time was yesterday.
And I made no move.
So, apparently, there is more to do.
More to suffer.
Wow. This post took a weird turn, didn't it?
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2 comments:
Yeah, those last couple paras, I should have written those. Thanks for getting them out there.
I dream a lot this time of year too.
And I agree Fall is somewhat unsettling but I do like it.
I get the job thing. In fact its one of the Where's Waldo things I asked the Universe to point out to me... people unhappy, unsettled in their job because I really dislike the dog food factory and all of its inhabitants.
If it helps... your posts really help with my steering and guiding.
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