Monday, March 14, 2011

Unread Chapters.

You may not believe this, but I have a hard time connecting with people.

I DO connect, eventually; but in most cases, it's a superficial connection. Those rare cases in which a genuine connection is made, well....those last forever.

Seriously, FOREVER. I'm still in contact with a lovely Celtic woman I met in a previous incarnation of this randomly f**ked up individual you see before you.

See? You didn't know THAT, did ya?

Let's see....what other things don't you know?

Hmn.

I have run into burning buildings. Okay, that may seem like a euphemism, and you'd be right on any other occasion; but I have literally run into a burning building, in order to help evacuate the building and save as many possessions as I could. I would not recommend this, by the way; there are professionals who do this with the proper equipment (i.e. oxygen tanks), and quite frankly, it's kind of like smoking several packs of cigarettes....at the SAME TIME.

I was once scheduled for deportation from Canada. Yup, you really have to be a chump to get deported from the most forgiving country on earth. But I entered the country from Seattle to Vancouver, and completely forgot my work visa in the van that was currently crossing the border from Idaho. The smallest woman I ever met, in a uniform and accent that was decidedly.....Teutonic......berated me for several minutes before setting me a room with several small windows and what I can only refer to as the Group W bench. I wasn't ashamed, mind you....I spent the night pacing the floors of the Sea-Tac airport because the damned fog had canceled my flight the night before, and I was running on fumes...

Well, to make a long story short (Tooooo late!), they got in touch with my employer, who faxed them my visa, and I was off to Calgary.

Oh, wait. The nightmare continued with the cab ride. I got a Middle Eastern cab driver, who apparently liked to share his hatred of Americans WITH Americans. He berated me with all the sins of the Reagan administration (it was the mid eighties, by the way), and seemed really offended when I hit back with all the sins of the Trudeau Government. We pretty much shouted at each other for 45 minutes; but we shook hands at the end, and I gave him a good tip.

Did a show in a country club dining room to a full house with no sleep. The show was fresh and original. I met a waitress that night that still haunts my dreams sometimes. She showed me around town, and took away the roadliness for a while.

I have a picture of myself on the bridge of the USS Enterprise. Yes, the starship. No, I am NOT in uniform. But I DO own a teddy bear that's been assimilated by the Borg.



I have had a gun pointed in my direction, with intent. It was a misunderstanding. Thank all the Fates, the invisible Creator, and every single Guardian Angel that I have the gift of the Blarney, as well as the ability to look far more in control that I actually was.

I have run a five minute mile. It was shortly after the previous situation.

I have won the lottery. It was an instant ticket, which I bought as afterthought after buying a few munchies from a corner store not far from the campus of the Northern University. It was ten thousand dollars. I saved it until the end of my undergraduate studies....I celebrated by taking over a bar in the Northern University Town, and inviting 50 of my closest friends to drink themselves stupid. They did. And so did several people who wandered into the bar that night, as well. I still have the tab from that night. It was extraordinary.

The rest of the money went for a used car and Graduate School. The car didn't last through Graduate School. The education stuck, though.

All in all, a pretty interesting life.

I'll finish with a quote from MEN IN BLACK, which best sums up the whole post:

"Fifteen hundred years ago, everybody knew that the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew that the Earth was flat. And fifteen minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow."

Have a good day, y'all.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

I believe you have also stood in the middle of a Canton street at 1AM trying desperately to convince 30 pissed off TKE's to not stomp a mudhole in some a**holes from another fraternity, simply because you were a good Samaritan (and the TKE Faculty Advisor). So not only are you fast (5 min mile) but strong as well as half of the TKE's were big ole' football players high on life and Bud Dry.

Good Times - Mark