Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits.

The last couple of days have brought about a feeling just behind my eyes that is slightly reminiscent of wanting to weep. I wish I could either easily dismiss the feeling, or attach some meaning to it, but it's escaping me.

It seems that the powers-that-be have found satisfaction in my work; for I was dragged to the airport last Monday morning, at 8am (and by the way, I worked all night, so I was looking oooh, so good) to be awarded a couple of certificates for meritorious service, and yes, that comes with a monetary award as well. And then, on Tuesday, I was awarded a permanent position in the space I have been occupying since April. And yes, that includes a raise in salary.

So, things are going all right on the employment front. No need to be shedding a tear there.

I have been having dreams lately; I don't dream very often, but when I do they are either dreams of old friends, or nightmares based upon all of my hidden and visible fears. The dreams lately have been of old friends.

I don't have many friends here, even though I've lived here now for about three years. I'm not one that instantly acquires friends; as one of those that hung around long enough has said in other places, you need to scrape off the hard candy coating to get to what I am underneath, and so far, I've not really had the time or inclination to let anybody try it. So, mostly, it's family.

I am in semi-daily contact with my scattered friends around the world, via the various social networks, and it's nice to have a hand in, to have a window to their lives, although I miss the spontaneous laughter that comes from gathering. I miss the give-and-take that creates legendary conversation. I miss the visible smiles, the tempo, the pitch, the rhythm.

John misses a lot.

These relationships are mine, and I have to admit that I have some guilt. I am selfish in wanting to keep these things to myself, and I am not really comfortable with even the most acceptable selfishness. I hid many things for far too long, and have come to the almost childish conclusion that hidden=bad. Just another remnant of the wilder days.....

The question of happiness continues to hang over the day. I was recently having a "conversation" with a friend about the nature of happiness. After deep thought, I know that I have been happy, but not consistently. I've never consistently played for the win; I've always played to the draw.

That way, I don't have to show signs of genius. I can be a suspected of geekdom without committing to citizenship.

My happiness has never burned in raging inferno, but the coals....the coals are quite satisfying, and they can erupt from time to time, and flares are quite Divine; it's the exception that makes us covet the gem.

I don't know if I've ever been satisfied.
And, I don't know if I ever will be satisfied.
And that is what gets me up every morning.
And that's why things effect me.

And probably why you put up with me.

Dontchathink?