Waiting for the Candlelight.

Once upon a time, in my career as a pretender....

There was this director friend of mine, named Paul. I think he's chair of a department someplace now, but back then, he was like I was.....a graduate student, spending long nights and impossible hours trying to get everything done before it was too late.

I had the pleasure of being directed by him just once in our two years together, and saw just how good a director he was; he had a great vision for the play, and then he shaped it, gently, allowing for creativity to thrive. He didn't show the actors the road to his vision, he showed the actors the map, and let them get to his vision the way they felt comfortable going. The fact that he did that with a back-breaking schedule was nothing short of miraculous.

But.....everybody has their bad days.

So, one day, Paul is trying to get something from one particular actor; the method kind of actor who seems to be absolutely unable to move forward without the benefit of his "muse." Paul is explaining, patiently, what he needs to have happen at this particular moment in the play, and the fellow fusses and fidgets and finally says;

"I'm sorry, Paul. I'm just not feeling it."

For a man who's trying to get a show up on time, under budget, and worthy enough for him to actually get his degree.....well, Paul was a very mellow guy, but when the red cape is waving, the bull must respond. Paul grabs this guy by the front of the shirt, literally picks him up off the floor, looks him directly in the eye, and with a voice so calm it would make you wet yourself, says;

"Feel it, F**cker."

The tension of the room may not have abated if I had not begun to laugh. Loudly. Unabashedly. Wholeheartedly. The kind of laugh that cleanses the soul. I was joined by everybody in the room. And we dusted ourselves off and got back to work.

I tell you that story to tell you this.....

I'm not feeling it.

The decorations are up, the music is playing, everything is wrapped and ready and I'm about to do the yearly baking for the celebrations that stretch from Monday to Thursday.....and I'm not feeling it.

I'm waiting patiently for that moment when the full spirit of the season fills me like a water balloon. But I'm just not feeling it.

I need to feel a little Christmas, right this f***ing minute.

And I'll wait.

Bring it on.