Wednesday, September 7, 2011

While you were sleeping.....

"Good morning, John....are you ready for a shit storm?"

These were the first words that came out of the phone at me on Tuesday morning, at approximately 0430.  And no, I was not ready for a shit storm.

We had already had ONE shit storm in the previous 24 hours.  Some royal jagoff with a voice modulator and a cell phone decided to see if he how fast he could evacuate an airport.

The answer to that question is, in fact, "lickety-split."  The next obvious answer is, in fact, inconvenient and dangerous and he should be strung up by his genitals.

I call him a jagoff because while he DID disguise his voice, he did NOT shut off his phone's ID.  Yup...the evil genius was tripped up by Caller ID.

So, right after calming the nerves of everybody in the state and testing the effectiveness of our own strategies, one phone call shut everything down for several hours, delayed several flights, and had several stranded passengers blaming...you got it....the law enforcement officials who were trying to make sure they weren't going to blown to Hell....all they saw was a bunch of uniformed guys keeping them out of the airport.

Anyway.....six hours later, I get the phone call.

Do you remember when you used to fly, the airline would ask you questions about packing your bag, and has the bag been out of your possession, and has anybody asked you to carry anything for them?
These are questions you are supposed to answer in the negative. 

Until somebody gets off the plane and takes a laptop computer bag to the airline saying that 'some guy' asked them to 'take this bag with them' and 'deliver it'.

It's like the person who got off the plane with this bag recently fell off a F***ING TURNIP TRUCK.

And, this potentially dangerous situation is compounded by the airline ACCEPTING THE BAG, and locking it in a FILING CABINET for six hours before calling anybody.

"Yes, Ken....we see that there is a low pressure system heading for the Northern State, and it's bringing a 90% chance of evening shit storm..."

Three hours later, it was all settled down, with only minor inconvenience to the passengers, the organizational bomb guy, the local police department, and everybody I had to call at 0430 on a Tuesday morning.  It turned out to be nothing.  The story at 0430 became a completely different and benign by 0600.

This is what we do.

And if that doesn't make you feel better, I can tell you that over the weekend, 25 people were stopped at checkpoints around the country for having a loaded firearm in their carry-on bag.  Each one of them stated, with a straight face, apparently, that they had 'forgotten that the gun was in my bag.'

I much prefer theatre.

If I drop a line, nobody dies.

3 comments:

Gertrude said...

Stupidity is a disease for which there is no cure Clemo.
Pack an umbrella. Can we still take umbrella's on planes? See? I don't know. I never fly.
Too dangerous.
wink.
Well... it would be if you weren't there.

Kizz said...

Sometimes I forget water in my carryon. So I throw it out or, in the case of Long Beach Airport and my reusable bottle, pour it out between the canvas curtain and the curb separating THE SECURITY CHECKPOINT FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD O.M.G!!!!

I think I'd remember a gun, though. I'd like it if everyone with a loaded gun in their possession would keep that in the forefront of their mind, no matter their mode of transportation.

Misti Ridiculous said...

I love the security people. I'm always nice. Smiley. I let them feel me up if need be. Shitthebed dude. ForGOT my gun was in my handbag? like...well, on my way here my husband would NOT shut the fuck up about about those stupid Kardashians so i shot him in the head Wardell and I didn't want to be late for my plastic surgery trip to 90210 so. . . OOPSIE! here we are?!?!!
Lord.
Lord lord lord.